UNION, NJ — Marylee Martin is a survivor of covert childhood abuse, a type of abuse that happens far more frequently than most people realize. Covert childhood abuse is also known as covert incest, which the American Psychological Association defines as “a form of emotional abuse in which a parent turns to his or her child as a surrogate partner, seeking from the child the emotional support that would more appropriately be provided by the person’s spouse or another adult.” It is a violation of the normal boundaries between an adult caregiver and a child. The caregiver depends on a child for support, sometimes treating the child like a romantic partner, though there is no sexual contact involved.
For Martin, this experience has had a lasting effect, with ramifications felt throughout her life. She discusses it at length in her self-published book, “An Unsuspecting Child.”
“It is the first book I’ve ever written,” said Martin in an interview with Union County LocalSource on Sunday, March 20. “I’ve written several plays. It’s a little different when you are the main character yourself.”
The book opens with some family history. Martin’s grandmother had been abandoned by her husband, leaving her with five small children and no way to support them. Desperate, she moved the youngest, a baby, in with a cousin and the four older children, including Martin’s mother, into an orphanage. Although her mother never talked about life in the orphanage, Martin suspects it helped shape who she became.
Regarding her exploration of her parents’ history, Martin said, “I wanted to go back to the generations before me that led to that little girl sitting in that room with her dad.”
Martin’s parents fell in love, married and had two girls. Her sister, Kathy, five years older, was her mother’s favorite, while Martin was her father’s. And that’s where the troubles began.
“My father needed a friend; he needed someone to talk to.”
According to a Nov. 15, 2020, article in Medical New Today called “What is covert incest?” in instances of covert incest, a parent or caregiver may rely on a child for support by confiding in them about their relationship problems, looking for comfort or reassurance, even asking the child for advice that is inappropriate for their age. The caregiver may put their needs before the child’s, expecting frequent praise or affection at the expense of the child’s other relationships.
For Martin, this was her life.
Although the beginning of “An Unsuspecting Child” deals almost exclusively with covert childhood abuse, much of the book details the aftereffects — how it shaped her into the person she was to become. Said Martin, “I wanted you to drift along with me in my life as I was making wrong choices and being devastated, and discover with me how all those things happened and affected me, because of what happened to me as a girl.”
As Martin grew up and grew older, she experienced one bad thing after another — all related, she realized only later, to the damage her father did to her psyche. “Every door I opened hit me in the face with sadness or a predator or where I went wrong,” Martin said.
Martin said she finally realized that her problems were more than just a coincidence.
“I never learned about life; I learned about sex and making other people happy,” she said. “I needed to find out over the course of this life how it happened, and how I could move past it and empty my mind.”
She explains in the book that it wasn’t until she was in her 50s, after a couple of children and a couple of failed marriages, that she went to a psychotherapist. It took time, but Martin eventually started to understand what had happened to her in her childhood, and everything suddenly made sense.
Martin said she started to write down the things that had happened in her life, to get it all out in the open. It is this process that gradually developed into a book, with encouragement from family and friends.
“I was never into writing this book to try to be famous; I was trying to find self-awareness and, in doing so, find freedom,” she said. “The book seemed like an outpouring of events.”
Martin has had numerous brushes with fame, detailed in the book, including performing with Up With People in the late ’60s and writing several plays that have been performed in New Jersey and New York City. None of this, however, prepared her for writing a book.
“I wrote several songs, including a song for my little girl,” said Martin. “Sometimes, they are an easier way to express your feelings. Writing a book was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took seven to 10 years.”
Though Martin has lived all over the country, including in Illinois, New Mexico and New York, she lived in Clark for over 33 years, before moving to Union about six years ago. She has two children, a daughter and a son, who are both married. Her daughter has an 11-year old girl and an 8-year-old boy, and her son has a 5-year-old boy.
“Interestingly enough,” Martin said, “all the children are very much theater kids.”
As far as her grandchildren reading her book and finding out about her life’s ups and downs, Martin said she has thought a lot about it.
“I am hoping that they read this book when they are at least 21, when they are out there in the world,” she said. “I know it’s hard to read this, but there are hard things going on out there in the real world. I’m hoping that it gives hope to a lot of people who need it, who have been through hard times and abuse. It doesn’t end just because you tell yourself.”
While Martin admits that her life has been difficult, she said she never felt like giving up.
“I never got to the point where I wanted to kill myself, but I got very depressed,” she said. “I never felt that I couldn’t find a way to face what happened to me and understand it, and, in understanding it, become whole.”
Putting the book together involved contacting all the people she wrote about, to get permission to write about them. Although she wasn’t always successful in getting this approval, more often than not, she was. Martin said that going back through her life proved very enlightening.
“I did have a spectacular life and met some wonderful people, and have had the experiences of a lifetime,” she said. “I think I was probably lucky.”
As for her future, Martin said she is optimistic.
“Right now, I’m just trying to live and do the best for the people who are out there and enjoy my life.”
“I’ll be 73 this summer,” she added, sounding years younger. “You’ve got to have a zest for life.”
For now, she said, she’s taking it one day at a time.
“I think getting it out is really important. That’s why I want people to talk to people,” said Martin. “I like to think of it as a book of hope.”
“An Unsuspecting Child” is available online at Archway Publishing, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble.